more thoughts on a door closeing

I know, I know in my head that the opt to move past the babyhood season of our lives is the best alternative for us as a family.  The reasons are many (many), and include Big Brother’s extra needs, our desire to move in the next 12 months, the need to put the house on the market (to allow for the move), as well as our ages and so on.  Trust me, I have made list after list and the “done with babies” list does win out time after time; I admit that.  My head understands, my heart yearns and aches. 

As an exercise to allow my heart, my emotions, to grieve; a part of the process of coming to terms with the known I am creating a list of “what I will miss” by not having an addition pregnancy and baby.

I will miss:

  • The exhilaration of a positive pregnancy test. 
  • The thrill and joy of sharing the exciting news. 
  • Being partner with God to creation of another life, knowing a baby is growing inside me, a life that has to have me to live. 
  • A life that is me and my husband.  A life that is connected to my other boys. 
  • Being part of a miracle. 
  • Experiences the astounding gift God has given to woman. 
  • Feeling a tiny spark of life, feeling the kicks, the turns, the pushes.
  • Seeing my tummy grow outward as the baby forms from a couple of tiny cells to a baby ready to cuddle, knowing as my tummy bulges and the fact that the baby is out of grow is apparent, the day of cuddles approaches.
  • The excitement, and exhaustion and frustration of labor starting and stopping, and wondering “is this it”.
  • The amazing nesting urge. 
  • Labor and labor progress (YES I will miss never experiencing labor again).
  • 9 months of excitement, of waiting and wondering. 
  • The excitement and joy of the older boys as they wait and watch and wonder.
  • That breathtaking and amazing moment when the baby goes from internal to external; goes from being just mine to being shared by all
  • The excitement of, after 9 months, finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl.
  • The first sight of my baby, the first “getting to hold my baby”.
  • Tiny fingers and tiny toes; tiny finger nails. 
  • A little tiny baby that falls asleep at the breast.
  • The infrequent alert looks in the first few days.
  • Little bitty diapers and tiny clothing.
  • The soft concern and love that I see in Hubby during labor and birth.
  • That special smile that I see on hubby the first time he sees his baby, and hold his baby.
  • The blissful look on Hubby’s face as he quietly holds a new baby.  It is look like none other and could melt your heart. 
  • The excitement in hubby’s eyes over the new baby in the first few months.
  • Seeing Hubby sleeping with a new baby asleep on his chest.
  • Seeing the soft intensity in Big Brother as he watches a new baby and carefully reaches out to touch it.
  • Getting to see Little Brother become a big brother; seeing him grow from cared for into caring for.
  • Little Brother getting to tandem nurse with a younger sibling, as he tandem nursed as the younger sibling. 
  • The solid chomp of a newborn’s toothless jaws latching on to nurse; a hungry baby knows what they want.
  • That ‘slam you in the face’ exhaustion that accompanies let-down the first couple of days of nursing that is a full body physical thing.  The whole body feeling of letdown and latch of a newborn nursing. 
  • Watching a sleeping newborn. 
  • Feeling let-down during nursing.
  • Newborn, and baby, sleeping noises.
  • Sharing gazes with a new one.
  • The warm cuddles of a newborn or a baby-baby in a sling as you go about your day

…and the list goes on….



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4 responses to “more thoughts on a door closeing

  1. Alexis

    oh great now I am back to wanting one. Couple that with DH saying it was ok and talking to Ilse about it last night and my extreeme hatred of my birth control and I”m about to pull DH off of his bunk bed building project right now. This is a great list. Maybe you should make a list of all the things a baby wouldn’t let you do.
    HOuse will be DIRTY
    Big will get less time have more melt downs maybe Little too?
    Baby will make moving really hard (although pregnant and moving has been good for me good use of nesting urge)
    Insurance changes
    Finding a DR
    Telling Big about it oh boy he didn’t take moving well how would That go.
    Just some thoughts. I kinda have the same thoughts about us coupled with the VBAC thing and I’m not sure I want to wear nursing bras and leak milk for years either. ANd then there is the fear of higher multiples since GOd seems to push me harder every day

    • that list is a lot longer and more specfic — i worry about Little being caught in the middle (Big has extra needs and a baby is a baby); I have worries that Little has communcation challages that go beyond speech (unlike Big) and THAT is something that could be “lsot” in the mix, i worry about the move, I worry about the move and Big (as a seperate issues); the list goes on and on and on

      I know it is the best choice — just not one i like so much

  2. Quinn

    IMO Just because the list of cons is longer than the list of pros does not diminish the magnatude of the pro list. But if we make a con list about pregnancy and life’s hardships, then I can definitely help add to that. lol

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