I know, I know in my head that the opt to move past the babyhood season of our lives is the best alternative for us as a family. The reasons are many (many), and include Big Brother’s extra needs, our desire to move in the next 12 months, the need to put the house on the market (to allow for the move), as well as our ages and so on. Trust me, I have made list after list and the “done with babies” list does win out time after time; I admit that. My head understands, my heart yearns and aches.
As an exercise to allow my heart, my emotions, to grieve; a part of the process of coming to terms with the known I am creating a list of “what I will miss” by not having an addition pregnancy and baby.
I will miss:
- The exhilaration of a positive pregnancy test.
- The thrill and joy of sharing the exciting news.
- Being partner with God to creation of another life, knowing a baby is growing inside me, a life that has to have me to live.
- A life that is me and my husband. A life that is connected to my other boys.
- Being part of a miracle.
- Experiences the astounding gift God has given to woman.
- Feeling a tiny spark of life, feeling the kicks, the turns, the pushes.
- Seeing my tummy grow outward as the baby forms from a couple of tiny cells to a baby ready to cuddle, knowing as my tummy bulges and the fact that the baby is out of grow is apparent, the day of cuddles approaches.
- The excitement, and exhaustion and frustration of labor starting and stopping, and wondering “is this it”.
- The amazing nesting urge.
- Labor and labor progress (YES I will miss never experiencing labor again).
- 9 months of excitement, of waiting and wondering.
- The excitement and joy of the older boys as they wait and watch and wonder.
- That breathtaking and amazing moment when the baby goes from internal to external; goes from being just mine to being shared by all
- The excitement of, after 9 months, finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl.
- The first sight of my baby, the first “getting to hold my baby”.
- Tiny fingers and tiny toes; tiny finger nails.
- A little tiny baby that falls asleep at the breast.
- The infrequent alert looks in the first few days.
- Little bitty diapers and tiny clothing.
- The soft concern and love that I see in Hubby during labor and birth.
- That special smile that I see on hubby the first time he sees his baby, and hold his baby.
- The blissful look on Hubby’s face as he quietly holds a new baby. It is look like none other and could melt your heart.
- The excitement in hubby’s eyes over the new baby in the first few months.
- Seeing Hubby sleeping with a new baby asleep on his chest.
- Seeing the soft intensity in Big Brother as he watches a new baby and carefully reaches out to touch it.
- Getting to see Little Brother become a big brother; seeing him grow from cared for into caring for.
- Little Brother getting to tandem nurse with a younger sibling, as he tandem nursed as the younger sibling.
- The solid chomp of a newborn’s toothless jaws latching on to nurse; a hungry baby knows what they want.
- That ‘slam you in the face’ exhaustion that accompanies let-down the first couple of days of nursing that is a full body physical thing. The whole body feeling of letdown and latch of a newborn nursing.
- Watching a sleeping newborn.
- Feeling let-down during nursing.
- Newborn, and baby, sleeping noises.
- Sharing gazes with a new one.
- The warm cuddles of a newborn or a baby-baby in a sling as you go about your day
…and the list goes on….